"誰も旅の途中、本当の自分自身出会う為" - Everyone is in the midst of a journey to find his own true self...

Sometimes, I wonder to myself, is there reason for me to do everything I'm doing right now? Why on earth am I studying so hard for, and for what reason? I don't see any sense in what I'm studying, and I don't like most of the subjects that I'm taking. I don't enjoy myself in school, and I don't enjoy myself at home either. Sometimes, there are so many things in my mind that I can't really think straight and clearly anymore. People always tell me to think less, but I just can't. Too many things go on in my mind at one time, to the point that my brain overloads. Maybe that's why I have recurrent headaches. I'm just typing whatever that comes to my mind right now, cause right now, my entire brain is in a mess. I have a million and one readings for history, and I'm barely done with my second set of readings.

Sometimes I wonder to myself: "Why bother with church choir? See, now your Saturdays are completely busy, how to do your homework? Why bother with church activities? Why bother with school? Why do you care so much? Why are you bothering about things that most people don't? Why do you have to help people when they don't appreciate you at all? Why study so hard when you don't get any rewards? Sure, studying isn't about rewards, but being human and getting some form of reward would be an encouragement at times. Why pursue photography when you don't have the money? Why make Gunpla when you don't have an airgun and you're not like the professionals? Why do I keep comparing myself with someone else of a higher standard? Sure, it's to improve myself, but I'm still stuck at that lousy level! Why do you bother so much about history, when probably others only rush at the last minute? But then again, what makes you think that others ain't doing extra? Why are you not putting effort into lit and econs? Why is it that your GP is merely average? Why are you so bothered about your math? Why can't you just throw all these thoughts out of the window and out of your mind once and for all? Why do you keep asking why? Why do you not solve the problems? Why do I not have enough time on my hands? Why do I keep thinking in this cyclic motion and just fall deeper into sadness? Maybe you have depression? Maybe you need medication? Maybe you need to trust God more? Maybe you need to stop thinking so much? Why am I thinking of problems everywhere? Why can't I stop thinking? Why? Why? Why?"

Sometimes, I just want to stop. Drop everything I'm holding. Grab my camera. Go on a journey, and never return. Don't be surprised to not see me around. I might just have gone. I'll return when I find the answer.

You know there are times when things never seem to make sense, and when everything seems to be failing. I’ve had like 4 straight days of ‘bad luck’ already. On Friday, my camera decided to go all PMS-y on me. Well, people were saying that it’s because it was “Friday the 13th”, but that’s just nonsense since I don’t believe in superstition.

But if it really was the Friday the 13th ‘bad luck’, then it wouldn’t explain the ‘bad luck’ that followed on Saturday and Sunday. I mean my plans were all messed up on those two days, and all the stupid amount of work I have to do doesn’t seem to be easing out. Then there’s today. I tell you, the red sun in the morning was like a bad omen. And well, things happened in class today which I shall not elaborate on. And at the end of the day, more work! When will my chain of ‘bad luck’ end?!

Lately everything doesn’t seem to be working out for me. Nothing seems to be registering in my head in school. No wait, nothing seems to be registering in my head at all.